Sunday, October 30, 2005

The De-Heterosexualization Of The Heterosexual Man - Don't Get Me Started!

I can not take it - I can not look at one more heterosexual man wearing square toed shoes, plain front pants and a faux hawk for hair. We, the homosexuals have made them this way and we need to cut it the fuck out. Effective immediately, all heterosexuals are allowed to go back to shoes made by Nike, pleated pants by Dockers and hair from Super Cuts. You're not a metrosexual, you're just a victim of an emaciated gay sales representative at Banana Republic trying to dress you like the Ken doll they always wanted. The de-heterosexualization of the heterosexual man makes me gag - don't get me started!

I don't want to see any man (gay or straight) in espadrilles or capri pants or slip on Kenneth Cole thick strap sandals that look like a women's mule. But for some reason, we've sold the idea to the straight men and they've bit like a fish dying to be taken out of the game. Yes, everyone is swimming downstream and things are getting mighty dull.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a big believer in the whole, "live and let live" life philosophy but these men don't look comfortable done up this way. They might as well be in drag.

Let's start at the top. No one looks good in the faux hawk. I'm convinced this happened one morning while Brad Pitt was playing in the bathtub with his Mr. Bubbles foam and decided it would make him look edgier if he did it with his hair instead of bubbles. Immediately every man in American covered his hands in gel and in the movement usually accompanied by the words, "here's the church and here's the steeple" pushed their hair together until it was all fucked up looking.

Next it's about skin care, all of the men's lines of skin care have gotten out of hand to the point where even Oil Of Olay is butching things up for the guys. I don't want to hear any man talking about the size of his pores but listening to a straight man talk about it makes it seem even worse. Stick to the Mennen speed stick and stop letting your girlfriend talk you into the latest Ralph Lauren scent when every drug store is dying to sell you a can of Axe and be done with it. Axe will also deodorize your car and can be used instead of pepper spray in case of a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy attack!

Clothes are supposed to make the man but in this case it just makes them look silly. I kind of bought the whole, here's my dress shirt untucked outside my jeans as a way for all of us to hide our bulging bellies but now with the tight shirts and the whole $700 jeans that they're all wearing it's too damn much. Fashion is really just whatever was popular 20 years ago so why not strike out on your own heterosexual guys and wear what you like. Sure we're going to see a lot of football jerseys but that's okay, as I always say, "Do what you know."


Finally the shoes, stop it first of all with the women's ped socks with your tennis shoes. Wear the crew or tube sock and everyone will applaud. The tiny ped sock is really just seconds away from missing a pom pom on the back of it. Also to those who insist on the whole dress shoes without socks, basically whether you're gay or straight the bottom line here is that you're gross. Stop with all of the Steve Madden retro shoes and the Kenneth Cole square toes - go back to what you know, boat shoes, tennis shoes and for dressy occasions the boat shoes again with white socks.

In an increasingly androgenous world, we need to reidentify the players. So I say, forget the flouncy Queer Eye guys - they aren't teaching anyone anything they really need to know, they're just doing their job to continue the sexless, fop stereotype of gay men everywhere. In essence, they're doing what they know.

Now to all you women who love straight men, you women are just as responsible as the gays so suck it up and get over it. You are with a man, not your girlfriend and not the Ken doll you played with as a child that didn't even have a penis!

Now I'm not saying that straight men can't look great or fashionable, I'm just begging gay sales people and the women in men's lives to stop already, selling these very moldable/contrable men in an area they aren't comfortable in, into the looks that are so wrong for them but happen to be in the window at Abercrombie. Frankly no guy should be spending $400 for a pair of jeans that are so ripped up they barely resemble jeans - those are called chaps and usually come in leather but that's for another blog.

Finally it's all about acceptance. I want everyone to wear what they're comfortable wearing and what they feel shows off their own sense of style. (The exception to that is very large women in capri tights and the large sweater over them trying to hide what you've just put in bright purple sausage casing on your legs!) Go to a dare to be different seminar, be you because that's the best thing most of us have going for us; that there's no one else like us! (Thank God, in most cases.)

Don't give in to what the celebrities are wearing, they have stylists that are just as out of touch putting stupid stuff on them too. I'll let you in on a little known seacrest (this was a typo but in re-reading it made me laugh so I let it stay in - consider it a sneak peek at the bloopers reel for the DVD), there's a conspiracy behind these gay stylists - they're seeing how stupid they can make their client look (while getting paid too much money) and then they all buy squares just like you straight guys do with football to see how long it will take the straight guys to start wearing the stupid look they created.

So do it, go to your mirror and look at yourself, straight man. Do you have highlights and low lights? Is your clean hair looking like it has axel grease on it because your "stylist" said that it makes you look hot? Tip to remember, they get paid to tell you that you look hot and most of the time they're doing it to distract you from seeing the way they fucked up your hair cut. Do your eye brows look like the marshmallow moons in Lucky Charms because someone convinced you to "shape" them? Do your clothes reflect you or the mannequin in Express for Men? Fashion is what looks good on you and what you like wearing so go for it - use your own common sense, you'll be surprised how good you can look.

And to my homosexual friends, come on fellas we've had a long run with this whole thing, had some laughs and made some great money, so let's give the straight guys a break, huh? I know, I know, I like making them look a little foolish too but these aren't the same guys (all the time) that were pushing us into lockers or saying we seduced them because they were too fucked up to know that we were a guy they were having sex with over and over again. Sure it's fun for Tommy Hilfiger to see the butchest of butch men paying obscene prices for clothes made by a screaming queen but we've had our laugh and our revenge by making them wear pink, green and purple all in the same shirt - we need to evolve. We need to come up with new ways to take ourselves beyond their level without bringing them down. Think of them as our fathers, sure we want them to look their best but we don't really want to see them layered in tight tees with phrases like, "Bill's Grease and Lube - Lube it us to grease you up right!" Let's accept one another and stop the insanity. The de-heterosexualization of the heterosexual man - "Just say No!" and don't get me started!

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