Thursday, November 24, 2005

Don't Blame The Barista, Blame Your Parents Like Everyone Else - Don't Get Me Started!!

Okay, I admit it, I'm a Starbucks junkie. Yes, I go every morning for my grande soy latte. It's comforting that they all know me and all they ask is if it's going to be hot or iced today. It's as close as I'll ever feel as if I'm going to the diner and having Alice wait on me each morning. So what fucks it up? It's these god-damned idiots with their farkachata orders designed only for attention that are making me crazy. You know who you are - you Venti, quad shot, half decaf, three Splenda, sugar free vanilla freaks! And then they have the nerve to be pissed off that it's taking too long and then within one sip they're tapping their foot, leaning over the bar with it's tiny window asking for it to be remade because they're sure it only has two Splenda in it. Stop blaming the barista for your lack of attention in your life and blame your parents like everyone else - Don't Get Me Started!

Now I'll admit, sometimes when I'm feeling like I need a little extra lift I go for a peppermint mocha. Much like the most perfect food ever invented by God, the Junior Mint, you have the rich chocolate with the refreshing mint and it's a beautiful thing. I also will admit that I don't like it as mochay as the standard mix so I ask for three pumps of mint and mocha instead of the usual four. I find it's less sugary and more enjoyable to my tastebuds. BUT I don't go crazy with the special orders.

First of all, for the most part you have someone writing in code on a paper cup with a Sharpie which is too thick to be clearly understood so the more complicated you get the more likely you're setting yourself up for big trouble. I love to see my name, one of the more simple ones being spelled like Scoot, Scot and various other bastardizations that only show that the world needs to learn how to spell and also stop naming children with apostrophes in their names. But these people aren't designed to spell they're designed to make that nectar of the Gods, coffee - period.

And when did coffee stop being good to the last drop? It's coffee, not a gingerbread fantasy or an egg nog nectar. It should still, at some level taste like coffee. I'll admit the peppermint mocha is pushing it but I can still taste the coffee and it's more like hot chocolate with peppermint and coffee (yes, in that order). Of course what that sludge is in the bottom of my cup, I'll never know. It's not like it's the grounds from the coffee because "Cookie's" coffee pot has been dented from being on the trail and over the open flame of the campfire.

And I won't even begin to discuss the whole frozen, blended crapalicious drinks being handed over the counter. This is like the smoothie craze meets the coffee craze and it's ridiculous. IT'S NOT COFFEE!!

Meanwhile, when did Starbucks replace Cocca Puffs? Do you know how many parents I see with their kids in their school uniforms getting a Vanilla Bean (vanilla milkshake without coffee) and a muffin as their breakfast before their parents drop them off for another day of school? Is this the breakfast of champions? Now I understand that the parents are working and it's better than McDonald's but it's just strange to see these kids getting their "quality time" with their parents in a place where the jazz music plays and the adults look like crack addicts waiting for a fix. And don't even get me started on the teenage kids getting their morning sugar/caffeine hit. With their Venti frozen 12,000 calorie treats. From the look of those stomachs coming from underneath the too tight and short t-shirts they're wearing, those exposed abdomens really don't need these empty calories.

But all of this doesn't piss me off as much as the complicated crap addicts that hunger more for attention than a cup of coffee. With their difficult to understand or make beverages, they need to get their attention from somewhere else. And when they decide that they can't live with an extra Splenda in their beverage, they need to look inside and see what the hell is really wrong with them...they're Jan Brady - not so attractive and dying for any attention any passer by will give them well make up a boyfriend like George Glass but don't blame the barista for your hunger for attention, blame your parents like everyone else and Don't Get Me Started!!