Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I'm Not A Woman, Hear Me Roar - Don't Get Me Started!

Much the opposite of the Helen Reddy tune, I am not a woman however as many of you have read in my earlier post, the Nevada DMV was convinced otherwise. If you haven't read that entry you may want to before you continue this saga with me and the others reading...
And so it came to pass that over the course of a year and a half, I HAD lost some weight (more toning than actual weight loss) and I had a haircut good enough to go on the dreaded driver's license. And so I went to the DMV, waited in line and then proudly proclaimed, "I am not a woman, here me roar!" - Don't Get Me Started!

There I was with my birth certificate in hand and a smirk on my face knowing that this could either go down easily or might need a spoon full of sugar for all parties involved. First up, the information counter where they figure out who you need to see, how long you need to wait and what number you get. Unlike waiting with a number at a bakery, there is no sweet treat in store for you at the end of this adventure. "Next" was the cry I heard accompanied by a less than enthusiastic gesture as I moved to the counter to be assisted by a large black man in his seventies. I thought, "This is probably not going to go so well." I had already decided on my approach, it was going to be one of those, already laughing as I explained it kind of things so as to disarm any negative thoughts on the issue itself. I figured if I sounded amused by it, he might be too. He fell right into it, saying, "Wow, I guess that was our mistake there, fella." First of all I don't know that I've ever been called, "fella" (kind of liked that) and here was John Amos' third cousin on his mother's side saying it to me. I loved it even more when he told me there would be no charge and that he was going to give me a number that would expedite the whole thing. Once again, everything your mother told you is true - don't judge a book by it's cover.

And so I waited and stared down at this license I had kept for six years saying that I was a woman. Wow, what would it be like to be a man again in the eyes of the DMV? Well that thought didn't last long because I was like, "What the fuck does the DMV know anyway?" And soon thereafter my number was called and I was headed for cubicle 19.

At cubicle 19 sat a large Hispanic woman who looked as though she was having less than a great day. "Perfect" I thought to myself, the big black man was cool and this woman no doubt is going to be where the fiasco begins (or continues in this case). And so I worked up my self-deprecating laugh as I sat down, doing the, "You are not going to believe this one." Now granted, I don't think everyone has to be enamored by the whole story but all this woman asked was if I had filled out a form for the new license. I mean, not a flinch, not a blink, hardly a glance at the scarlet "F" under "sex" on the license just, "Well, fill out this form and let me know if anything has changed since this one" as she's holding the old license. Of course my mind began racing a mile a minute...changes you say? about I've never been nor intend to be a woman?? But I just remained calm and let her know the only thing that had changed was my weight. (Yes, I was going to make the number larger because I had lied on the first one anyway but figured with my current appearance, unless I told people I had to get on some Predisone and ballooned up, no one was going to understand the 135 pounds on the license when in person I was pushing the 150 mark. Oh make no mistake, I wasn't going to list 150 but I was willing to go as high as say 145 which coincidentally is all that you should pay at an auction for someone's license that has the wrong sex listed on it!) Much to my surprise she said, "Dat's okay, we no need to changes that. Heres you take this over dere to get your pictures."

She opened the right hand drawer of her desk and put the license in it, closing it and the story of me being a woman in the DMV's eyes. I did wonder if Maria Conquita was going to take it home and pass it around the table because I would think it would need to be destroyed or stapled to something but instead, she put it in the drawer without any expression. Maybe she was being polite and waiting for me to leave before she showed it to all the other DMV staff or maybe it was going to become February in the DMV calendar for next year. We'll never know because Maria had a poker face the likes of which you rarely see. Oh she was good, she could give Clint Eastwood a run for his money.

So within a matter of half an hour, I was a man. Now that doesn't mean that when I pick up the phone people don't still call me, "Miss" or when I'm in a store with a female friend the clerk doesn't say, "Are you ladies finding everything you need?" But in the eyes of the law, the state of Nevada, I had become a man and as I began my triumphant walk to the door I held up my new license to John Amos' third cousin on his mother's side and gave a knowing wink. He gave me the thumbs up sign and I began to really believe I was someone that could be called, "fella". The strains of the electronic music from the 70's began to play and I did my best Helen Reddy, singing to the music in my head - "I'm not a woman, here me roar. In numbers too big too ignore. And I know too much to go on pretending." Don't Get Me Started!

Friday, August 18, 2006

If You're Gellin', You're A Felon - Don't Get Me Started!

'Twas the day after Heathrow and all through the port, no liquids were carried I'm glad to report. Travelers smelled worse than ever for no perfume was allowed and as luck would have it, I was seated next to a cow. The toothpaste was packed in the cases with care in hopes that the TSA would not go there! Enough of the ryhmes, those damned terrorists have hit us where we live - our toiletries and so If You're Gellin', You're A Felon - Don't Get Me Started!!

Okay, I've had just about enough with these terrorists, for a group of people who give the appearance of knowing nothing about hygiene, they certainly got all of us who shower, shave and FDS every day! Now they've caused something truly terrifying - travel without toothpaste, lip balm or SmartWater!!

I am glad that Mildred from Des Moines will no longer sit next to me spraying her rose water she got at the 1939's World Fair but I also don't want to have to smell Bruno who was so drunk last night that the alcohol has no place to go but out his pores and up my nose. Please give Bruno back his Old Spice and Axe!

However, the amazing thing about us Americans is that it was only day two of the war on liquids and everyone was so well behaved. Remember when you were a kid in a store and your mother had had enough of you touching things so she gritted her teeth and told you not to touch another thing? (Unlike today where "parents" feel free to yell, kick and belittle their kids at less than hushed tones in public) Well, that's what it was like at the airport. Everyone was sort of walking around with their head down a little, hands behind their back and being overly polite as if there might be a pack of gum in it for them, like when we were kids. Well, let me tell you, there was no gum or prize in it for any of us, except you had less people trying to cram their entire lives in overhead bins.

You could kind of see the flight attendants trying to hide their glee that people brought less onto the planes to go in those bins. Traveling Southwest Airlines, you see people try to shove their entire family into overhead bins usually but most only brought one carry on as their dangerous liquids like Scope had to go into a checked bag and do you know what? It made the whole process so much more bearable, dare I say it, nicer.

So there you big bully terrorists, take that - you actually made life better for us! No longer do we have to race to get on the plane to take up as much overhead room as the bins will allow. We can each put something up there AND have the full six inches of leg room they give us. That's right, you thought you were making our life more miserable...well, nah, nah, nah, nah nah - you made it so we can better get along with the rest of the people in the human race. Can you say, backfired?

Unfortunately, there is still a reason to bitch. Now we are at the mercy of a people that are much more dangerous, evil and just wrong than the terrorists...bag handlers! That's right, now that we're checking more, they are destroying more. The first casualty, my suitcase that I've been using for three years on numerous trips. Now let me say, it wasn't Samsonite so perhaps when they gave it to the gorilla it didn't pass the test but come on monkeys - how could you completely crunch up a hardsided suitcase like the beer can you smashed on your forehead the night before? Well, somehow they managed and I have to buy a new suitcase. Do I blame the terrorists, I could as they are the popular ones to attack but no, at the risk of never having my luggage arrive when I do again, it's you damn baggage handlers that I curse like Snoopy cursed the Red Baron!! Some day I'll get you bag handlers!!

I can live without liquids on a plane, let's face it, we all can and if that's the worst thing that happens to us, then we've lived a good life. All ready, the bitching has made a difference and although we can't have Carmex in a tube, you can have your favorite hard lipstick shade by Revlon. So ladies, you can look nice and if you're smart you'll pull out those solid perfumes from Avon in the 70's that were in a bear pin you could wear and apply it if you want to smell nice. But for us guys, we're stuck smelling up the place without cologne or tootpaste because if you're gellin', you're a felon - Don't Get Me Started!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Aquaman coming to the big screen - Don't Get Me Started!

We all know that recently there have been plenty of big budget superhero movies. We also know that they've been doing just okay at the box office. So why for the love of the Justice League would they be talking about creating a new movie featuring one of the extras from Saturday morning super hero shows, Aquaman? Aquaman coming to the big screen - Don't Get Me Started!

I admit, with his boyish good looks and hair that we know his boyfriend (presumably Green Lantern) did on a lark and through some super power has managed to keep Aqua's blonde locks from turning green though he's in the water for hours on end, he's a hunk. But let's talk for a moment about his powers, okay? What can he really do? He can talk to fish. By Triton, he can get all the guppies and even the whales to swim in a synchronized pattern worthy of the Olympics but if an elevated train comes off its tracks or a building is on fire, I think I'd be wanting one of the landlubber heroes coming to my rescue and not the Aqua dude.

In my opinion we're getting a bit oversaturated with the super hero movies. Spiderman for me leads the pack because it actually has great scripts. I'm sure the seven people who saw the X Men movies enjoyed them, I wasn't one of the seven that saw the last two installments. Batman Begins was great acting but isn't Gotham City supposed to be New York and not Bulgaria? Between the Eurpoean sets and the cast from England the most American thing about the movie was Michael Caine (and he's British). The new Superman was so dull that I was busier watching my watch than the movie. Someone please explain to the production team that it's a comic book, not a slice of life drama and kick someone in the kryptonite for the bad casting of the least appealing Lois Lane in recorded history.

I get it, I like the idea Aquaman is no Chicken of the Sea but honestly other than those telepathic waves telling the mackerol where to get off, what can he really do for me? I think I'd prefer a movie of Patrick Duffy reprising his brillance as The Man From Atlantis and honestly, do any of us really want to see that?

No, I say the movie industry has got it wrong this time (and box office receipts would agree with me). But recently I've come across one of the most delicious bits of guilty pleasure that will surely satisfy your super hero needs. Don't miss the SciFi channel's, Who Wants To Be A Superhero? This show not only features Stan Lee, the father of all the really important super heroes, as the host, judge and jury but the cast will slay you. Eleven people were chosen (from I'm sure a million freaks) to compete in a competition where they don't win money but immortality as the winner receives a comic book created with their hero and a SciFi movie. That's right, these people have come up with their own ideas of what a super hero is (and the costumes too). Each week they compete in a super challenge but you find that Mr. Lee is looking more for the pure of heart than if they have x-ray vision. Imagine if you will Aquaman going up against Fat Momma - a super hero who gets her super powers through the doughnuts she eats from her utility belt! Or even Cell Phone Girl, recently eliminated from the show when Mr. Lee informed her that she was out of minutes. While the show does and doesn't take itself too seriously (I know I want my super heroes to have a sense of humor) in its own way it teaches you about human nature, valor and something we're all in need of, more goodwill toward our fellow man.

So I say, "Screw Aquaman" - if we want to see a movie in the water filled with self-indulgence we'll rent Waterworld. Bring on Major Victory who has the catch phrase, "Be a winner, not a weiner!" or Monkey Woman because at least I get what these super heroes are going to do for me. But Aquaman coming to the big screen - Don't Get Me Started!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I'm A Project Runway Blog Finalist - Don't Get Me Started!

At the urging of some friends, I decided to enter a competition to become a featured blog writer for season 3 of Bravo TV's critically aclaimed series (Yes, I'm sucking up) Project Runway!!!

Well, guess what lovers of my blog and me? I'm one of the 10 finalists and you have until Monday, August 7, 2006 to go to the Bravo web site and vote for me - Don't Get Me Started.

So if you're reading this, open a new window in your web browser and vote for little ol' me as the blogger of choice for Project Runway!!

The name of the blog is Mishigas with Scott by Scott R.

Thank you in advance for your support and please keep reading the blog below.

New updates coming soon including the exciting fact that I've finally convinced the Nevada DMV that I'm a man - please scroll down to read The DMV is convinced I'm a woman - Don't Get Me Started

Thanks again for reading now get off your ass and vote for something important - ME and Don't Get Me Started!!

Note: Thanks everyone for making me the winner of the Ultimate Fan Blog competition for Project Runway. You can read my blogs for the show at

Thanks again for your help and for reading!!!