Sunday, July 30, 2006

Lance, I was wrong - Don't Get Me Started!

Okay, I know when I've been licked. I also know when I've gone too far. As many friends, relatives and people out there in blogland have told me, I'm wrong about Lance Bass. And so I will concede this once, Lance, I was wrong - Don't Get Me Started!

I guess it's really another small step in acceptance that the generation that put N*Sync posters on their walls (and can now vote) may possibly accept gay people more because they loved Lance when he was in the boy band and can't imagine not loving him over a small thing like being gay. My friend/co-worker Kim was shocked to find that Lance Bass was gay and she was less than pleased that I was shocked that she was shocked...all too shocking, all the way around.

And when you stop to think about it, perhaps Lance's female fans will understand a little better what it's like to be a pal to a gay man, I could use the common term, "fag hag" but I'm being apologetic and don't feel that's appropriate - oops, too late. This just might save them the trouble of trying to "save" a gay man by sleeping with him, trying to make him straight. Allowing them a way to avoid the common mistake and heartache of falling for a gay man.

I can't lie, I did have to laugh about Lance's "boyfriend" stating that he just so happens to have a book coming out soon about his life and that although Lance didn't encourage him to write it (they haven't known each other that long and the book was already in the works) Lance was very supportive of him having written it. What does that exactly mean? Two orders of 15 minutes of fame being doled out at the same time? I can see the two of them now on Tyra's couch. (It's a little low brow for Oprah and doesn't have enough to do with saving the world or losing weight to make it on Oprah). Here's a tip for you Lance, don't expect the book to be dedicated to you.

But we should be pleased that supermarkets will allow the cover of People to be in the front of all the magazines with the title "I'm Gay" on the front of it. Not some tabloid telling you that some celebrity is gay that probably isn't (come on the Enquirer has to sell papers too) but an honest to goodness celeb saying he's gay and okay. Wasn't that a book? I'm so gay, it's okay! Well, it should be one.

And when you think about it, what's worse anyway, Lance Bass saying he's gay or a drunken Mel Gibson behind the wheel of a car swerving and swearing against Jewish people? Things may just be worse for Mel than Lance because as we know, us Jews and gays own Hollywood.

So Lance Bass, although you probably don't care and we'll most likely never meet, I say, "I'm sorry. I'm glad you've accepted your membership card and all I can do it hope that you'll put it to good use. And thanks to you Justin and Joey for making statements in support of your pal and Lance, I was wrong - Don't Get Me Started!"

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Lance Bass is gay...and? - Don't Get Me Started!

Okay, is it wrong of me to not understand how "shocked" everyone is about Lance Bass announcing he's gay or is it more wrong of me not to care what Mr. Bass does with his 15 seconds of fame, period. So, Lance Bass is gay...and? Don't Get Me Started.

The reasons you should have already know Lance Bass was gay are overwhelming but a few are...first - just look at him, second - he's a big Kathy Griffin friend (guess he can "officially" be counted as another one of her "gays" now) and finally - he was all fired up about paying the Russian boys to take him to space - if I had the money, I'd send him.

Not only is there no reason to care about him being gay, it's almost comical the way he worded his big "coming out" in People magazine. He states he is in a "stable relationship" - what the hell is that supposed to mean? STABLE??? What, is he dating Mr. Ed? I mean come on, I've been with the same person for 18 years this August and I've never called it a "stable relationship". Oh it's a wonderful, loving relationship but what is that word, stable, all about? I mean, are we in the ICU? Can relationships also be in serious but stable condition? And don't even get me on my soap box about not being able to get into a hospital room of my guy because the wackos representing Jesus don't like the idea. What makes the use of the words stable relationship even more yummy is that he's dating some guy from a reality show. Don't you just love that? Need some publicity old boy banders? Well, come out but don't just come out, find a hot gay guy from a reality show and you just extended your fame for another several seconds!

The bottom line here - sorry Lance, is that it's what I like to call a "Jimmy Cracked Corn" issue - "And I don't care!!" I care that things are crazy in the Middle East, that people are dying fighting a war that will not really make things better for anyone, and I especially care that everyone is running scared because gay people want rights. Hunger, homelessness, US health care and AIDS far outweigh the Lance Bass news.

Supposedly the "bloggers" outed Lance Bass, the people they should be outing (that we should all be "outing") are the parents of kids who when they discover their kids are gay at 14, throw them into the streets. These are the kids that are going to need some help recovering from coming out and being thrown out. All this means for Lance is that the gay boy at Starbucks will only charge him for a grande and give him a venti. I'm not blaming Lance in the least because he didn't start this firestorm but honestly, think for a minute about all the horror stories of coming out and I think even Lance would agree that his was pretty stable. I'm one of the fortunate ones who never had trauma or doubt that my family and friends loved me when I came out but I know enough people who did and I wonder what it would mean to them to see People or the bloggers cover that story?

So good for Lance but until he cures cancer will I be saying, "One small step for gays, one giant step for mankind." As my grandmother used to say, "There's a lid for every pot." And I hope that Lance has found his in his stable relationship. As for the project he announced in his coming out article about him and Joey Fatone hoping to do an "Odd Couple-like" sitcom, if I were him I would try to get more mileage out of the gay angle and try to swing a deal with MTV to let him and his reality hunk be the first wacked gay couple to get their own series like Nick and Jessica and the rest of them. And to those of you who were shocked by this news...Lance Bass is gay...and? Don't Get Me Started!

Monday, July 24, 2006

The gay, gay, gayer than gay weekend - Don't Get Me Started!

My Friend's Birthday Weekend In Palm Springs

The Anticipation

Oh dear God, is the only phrase that comes to mind at the moment. My dear friend from LA is throwing a weekend birthday bash this weekend in Palm Springs. I'll know about 6 of the 1200 guests, not a problem as I'm a social delight but that isn't what has me worried... What has me worried is that they are going to be LA GAYS...all of them...and here I'll be, feeling like the country gay among the city gays. Where do I live? Vegas of course. That's not what makes me the country gay obviously, what makes me the country gay is that I've been with the same man monogamously for 16 years. I haven't been to one gay bar in all my time in Vegas. I'm the straightest, effeminate gay in all history!!! My guy is out of town so I'm flying solo on this one, which is probably better as my guy has no time for the put on swish talking that sounds as though everyone's tire has air leaking. There's no chance of me fitting in - none. I'm not thin enough, buff enough, I'm not tan enough, my teeth aren't white enough, I haven't had enough surgery or movie deals. Oh God, why didn't I stick to that work out plan? Maybe when I go to the tanning salon this week they can give me a stencil for my abs...oh dear Lord, I don't care that it's going to be over 80 degrees, I can't and won't take my shirt off. I can't do it. I can't get the 8 inches onto my biceps and off my waist before Thursday. Maybe I can Karen Carpenter it and throw up from now until Thursday...then I'd have extra skin...perhaps an ACE bandage?? Too crazy...stick to a my mother always says, "Plan your work and work your plan." What does that even mean?? These are successful upwardly mobile gays, you know the kind you see in the Range Rover gay ads and the ones with the sunken cheeks in the gay magazines. I'm about to walk into an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog looking as though I came out of the Field and Stream!!! HELP!!! I refuse to be the Charles Nelson Riley among the Robbie caftan and large glasses...maybe Truman Capote...a nice linen look with hat...oh God, I'm too short too!!! I AM Truman Capote without an interesting novel or touch of brillance to make me seem eccentric! Breathe...I must breath and do Yoga non-stop for the next four days. Maybe I can have people pledge me like a marathon. Stop coming up with fund raising ideas and figure a way to raise your metabolism. It's all too much...I can't take it, I can't possibly take it...okay, well maybe I can. I adore my friend and he came to my 40th so there's no way out. Where's Roy's tiger when I need him...that's the only way out. Being mauled by a tiger...okay, I live in Vegas but still, no chance of that really happening. Must think, I'm a wonderful liar but there's no way out of this one. I must resign myself to the situation. I haven't bought shorts in three years - I'll have to go to the mall tonight...all those long shorts making me look even dumpier than I am...and then I'll tan, there's no hope, I may as well buy the God Damned green wig and accept the fact that I will be the Oompa Loompah of the party. Imagine how droll I'll sound, "What? You mean it isn't a costume party? I had no idea...gee, do I feel silly. Change? Oh...umm...well...this is all that I brought...wear something of yours? That's so sweet but I'm sure I can't imagine doing that 22 inch waist speedo it's true justice." It's a bit like seeing the accident in your rear view mirror...all you can do is brace yourself and take it. (Sounds like the first time I had sex but that's a story for another day, I'm too upset.)

Coming Soon...The Weekend...

Well, I'm on the other side of the weekend now and here's the report. They say it takes a big man to admit when he is wrong, in this case it's just a short Jewish boy saying, "I was wrong." Not only was it one of the more relaxing weekends I've spent in my life, I believe I met some really swell people that will be in my life for awhile. Here's the thing, there were a few gay couples who had been together for awhile so that was my crowd that I hung out with mostly which I believe made it easier. Had I been there with just the swinging singles, it may have been a different story. Now some of these revelations are going to sound obvious or even ridiculous but I must say them none the less. I guess that without knowing it, I've been a bit of a gay snob. "I'm not jumping from bed to bed and I don't need to spend a weekend with everyone hubba hubbaing one another." that would be a typical response from me. Thing is...there really IS a sense of community, a sense of warmth that I believe comes from the common bond, not of sleeping with the same sex but the struggles one faces in growing up homosexual in America. There was plenty of laughter but there were also hugs on goodbyes, even people you barely knew. And not hugs to feel one another's asses as the religious right would have you believe but a caring, it was great spending time with you, you matter type of hug.

Is it disappointing to not have outrageous stories to tell, "then they came out naked, except wearing feather boas and did Ain't No Moutain High Enough, ala the Supremes." Or is it just that when you make fun of something, even self-depricating, you on occasion have to look inward. Was it my own fears of not being accepted? Attractive enough? Special enough? That made me feel the way I did before and the way that I feel now that it has passed?

All I know is that there is comfort in walking with people who have walked in your shoes. And just because the people are gay, doesn't mean that they are stiletto heels, by the way.

Oh sure there was hilarity abounding and it would make a nice 90 minute play, God knows, the dialogue was brilliant but when it was over, I was left with clarity - I enjoy being a gay (sorry about that, Flower Drum Song) and being around these people enriched my own soul - who knew?