Monday, October 24, 2005

Back That Chevy Nova's Ass Out Bitch - Don't Get Me Started

Can someone please explain to me the country's latest obsession with backing into parking spaces? I lived on the east coast for years so in the event of snow (or possible snow) and a front wheel drive car, I get it but why in the hell is everyone backing in their Chevy Novas in Las Vegas where it never snows? I say, "Back that Chevy Nova's ass OUT, Bitch!" - Don't Get Me Started!

I began to notice that everywhere I parked, I was the only one "nose in" if you will. What is it? Why do these people need to have their cars parked this way? Are they expecting to have to make a fast getaway? Could it be like cell phones and microwaves we now don't even have the patience for the time it would take to back out? Or are these people paranoid that someone might try to get to the dead body in their trunk?

I get it if you have a Bentley or a Silver Shadow Rolls Royce - I mean those grills are fabulous and if I owned one I'd want to show it off as much as possible. But come on, is the grill on the Volkswagen Passat as stunning or regal? I think not.

And then there are the people who are doing all this backing in. They are subcreatures from another land. So I'm at the bank, walking toward my "nose in" car and there he is, an Asian man in his 70's behind the wheel of his 1994 Ford Taurus with the peeling paint job and he's pulling his piece of shit parallel to all the other cars, reversing, swinging wide, looking in the mirror, now over his right shoulder and he's backing into his space without noticing anyone or anything around him. He's in the "zone". Now he came as close to being in the lines as a two year old when they're coloring. He's taken two spaces, he's so close to my car that I need lubricant and a crowbar to get in and yet there he sits with this shit-eating grin on his face and sense of acomplishment. What the fuck? As I see the front license plate hanging at a jaunty angle I can't help but wonder what he could have hit it on? If all he's doing is backing in everywhere, how could the front license plate have ever sustained such damage? And still the larger question is WHY the backing in? I look to his wife who is exiting the car, is she going to rob the bank? Is this some elderly crime syndicate from Asia knocking off banks in Las Vegas? Of course not, it's just another two-space taking mother fucker who thinks he's cool for backing into the parking space.

And as my grandmother used to say about gays, "They're everywhere!" I see beat up cars, the cars with just a lovely gray primer on them but the spinning hub caps, all cars of shapes and sizes but none worthy to be backed in. And the people are so diverse, teenagers, older people, mid-life crisis men with their hair club for men on and the music blaring some 80's tune as they back in their red Saturn Ion. WHY are the doing this? We'll never know, it's like some cosmic secret never to be known, it won't even be represented on the Trivial Pursuit driving edition if they make one. So I can only assume that there is no reason for this behavior.

And so I'm asking nicely, for the sake of everyone - please, you're not Batman or an expectant father waiting for his wife to say, "honey it's time" or even emergency personnel having to get to that fire, you're just an asshole who feels backing in shows you've got mad parking skills. AND YOU'RE WRONG because look around and you'll see you're not even between the lines of one space! So, back that Chevy Nova's ass out bitch and don't get me started.

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