Friday, August 18, 2006

If You're Gellin', You're A Felon - Don't Get Me Started!

'Twas the day after Heathrow and all through the port, no liquids were carried I'm glad to report. Travelers smelled worse than ever for no perfume was allowed and as luck would have it, I was seated next to a cow. The toothpaste was packed in the cases with care in hopes that the TSA would not go there! Enough of the ryhmes, those damned terrorists have hit us where we live - our toiletries and so If You're Gellin', You're A Felon - Don't Get Me Started!!

Okay, I've had just about enough with these terrorists, for a group of people who give the appearance of knowing nothing about hygiene, they certainly got all of us who shower, shave and FDS every day! Now they've caused something truly terrifying - travel without toothpaste, lip balm or SmartWater!!

I am glad that Mildred from Des Moines will no longer sit next to me spraying her rose water she got at the 1939's World Fair but I also don't want to have to smell Bruno who was so drunk last night that the alcohol has no place to go but out his pores and up my nose. Please give Bruno back his Old Spice and Axe!

However, the amazing thing about us Americans is that it was only day two of the war on liquids and everyone was so well behaved. Remember when you were a kid in a store and your mother had had enough of you touching things so she gritted her teeth and told you not to touch another thing? (Unlike today where "parents" feel free to yell, kick and belittle their kids at less than hushed tones in public) Well, that's what it was like at the airport. Everyone was sort of walking around with their head down a little, hands behind their back and being overly polite as if there might be a pack of gum in it for them, like when we were kids. Well, let me tell you, there was no gum or prize in it for any of us, except you had less people trying to cram their entire lives in overhead bins.

You could kind of see the flight attendants trying to hide their glee that people brought less onto the planes to go in those bins. Traveling Southwest Airlines, you see people try to shove their entire family into overhead bins usually but most only brought one carry on as their dangerous liquids like Scope had to go into a checked bag and do you know what? It made the whole process so much more bearable, dare I say it, nicer.

So there you big bully terrorists, take that - you actually made life better for us! No longer do we have to race to get on the plane to take up as much overhead room as the bins will allow. We can each put something up there AND have the full six inches of leg room they give us. That's right, you thought you were making our life more miserable...well, nah, nah, nah, nah nah - you made it so we can better get along with the rest of the people in the human race. Can you say, backfired?

Unfortunately, there is still a reason to bitch. Now we are at the mercy of a people that are much more dangerous, evil and just wrong than the terrorists...bag handlers! That's right, now that we're checking more, they are destroying more. The first casualty, my suitcase that I've been using for three years on numerous trips. Now let me say, it wasn't Samsonite so perhaps when they gave it to the gorilla it didn't pass the test but come on monkeys - how could you completely crunch up a hardsided suitcase like the beer can you smashed on your forehead the night before? Well, somehow they managed and I have to buy a new suitcase. Do I blame the terrorists, I could as they are the popular ones to attack but no, at the risk of never having my luggage arrive when I do again, it's you damn baggage handlers that I curse like Snoopy cursed the Red Baron!! Some day I'll get you bag handlers!!

I can live without liquids on a plane, let's face it, we all can and if that's the worst thing that happens to us, then we've lived a good life. All ready, the bitching has made a difference and although we can't have Carmex in a tube, you can have your favorite hard lipstick shade by Revlon. So ladies, you can look nice and if you're smart you'll pull out those solid perfumes from Avon in the 70's that were in a bear pin you could wear and apply it if you want to smell nice. But for us guys, we're stuck smelling up the place without cologne or tootpaste because if you're gellin', you're a felon - Don't Get Me Started!


Anonymous said...

Hurray! Nicely said.

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